my online journal

lain using computers
~ serial experiments lain

Hi, I am Suraj Kushwah. I was born in 1999-04-20.
Today's date - 2022-11-24.
What you are reading is my entire life's journey. I am writing all this as a proof of my existence. my emotions, my feelings, my views, my ideas and my experiences. According to philosophical concepts like - epistemology and idealism - existence need witnesses, reality is related to mind. This is why, I want you to know - I existed. I was sad at this day, I was happy on that day. Anyone around the world can be aware of my existence, even after I die. Yes ofc, one day I will sure die, not sure when. Day by day people will forget me. My life will become just a blip in cosmic calender. But thanks to internet even 1000 years after my death, someone can look into my existence. Someone just like me.

# 2023.01.12 Thursday pm 17:35

Pema and I are exchanging text to plan our tuting trip. According to brodie, I won rap battle. I'm still bored and doing nothing. My gym is going good. I might go to tuting in march. I might even meet pema.

# 2023.01.09 Monday am 05:10

Hello again, Tried learning go a little, idk why, I'm showing interest in go. life is still fucked. i called my ex, just to get humiliated. I don't even understand why disrespect? even she knows I haven't done something so bad. i'm feeling alone, fucked up, depressed. I spend too much time on discord talking with 18 y/o. so I stopped. I was getting friends with her, because she watched mr robot with syncplay, i don't want more online friends. especially some kid. I want some real life friends, something interesting. this is why now, i believe fuck reasons. lets go to tuting, place is sweet. soon, i ll find some online job, and i ll do it. and live, may be entire year. the thing I like about tuting, it's plane - surrounded by mountains. akash left job, he is trying to learn few things. i installed windows again, wasting time with games is better than wasting time on chatting on discord. i had a minimalist install of windows, i loved it. only three games. nothing else. this time windows is just for gaming, not even browing. also, i installed a grub theme. i managed to revive my zenbook with hyprland. finally on wayland. hyprland is cool. lets see how it goes.

# 2023.01.09 Monday pm 20:05

I slept all day today, I skipped gym. I woke up at 5pm. I went to mall with akash and eat chicken poporn and leg. I am becoming non veg now. also I discussed my plans for tuting, he is forcing me to go to hackbeach. lets see.

# 2023.01.06 Friday am 03:20

last two days, I spend a 2-3 hours in night discussing mr robot with 18 y/o i watched little bit mr robot myself, my schedule is disaster. i stopped meds and rest for my skins (idk why), my career is a disaster, doing nothing. absolute void in life. had a call with akash teaching him how to use docker for conda. downloads all yt recommended songs. made some videos, some memes start getting some demon slayer vibes alone with mr robot. want to delete insta spend too much time. uninstalled the app. but I want to delete account. may be soon, I'll. insta have some wait period. I think it's better to post offensive stuff and get my account suspended.

# 2023.01.03 Tuesday am 05:26

it's new year, sorry, i'm writing late. lazy ass I am. so, in new year at night, i tagged @everyone on my discord server and boom 24 people in voice channel. I spend entire night talking with them. first day of new year. I slept all day. On 2nd, I made a unixporn edit. 15k views in one day. Today I recorded a video about watch party. Akash returned from trip, I went with him to eat at mominos on 2-feb. today akash (rampur garden) and akash both came to my house at same time. so we talked looked at memes kept using phone. Mr robot really pumps me up. that online 18y/o i convinced her to watch it. and she is watching. i'm spending too much time with insta, i need to get rid of this. idk how long i can live like this. no job. i should start looking.

# 2022.12.29 Thursday pm 22:24

yesterday, I spend all night repeating lines from hannah montana (s04), I'm trying hard to imrpove my english speaking, I feel, I really suck. I can't live like this. I helped 18 y/o with void linux, she managed to install it. Gym is going on fine. I decided to turn on my channel monetization, because I want to know, how much I will get from it. Might turn it off later.

# 2022.12.28 Wednesday am 02:03

yesterday, I skipped gym and tried installing hyprland. i loved wayland screen sharing is still a issue, other than that, everything is so smooth i can feel the performance. I also had a call with pystar. we both are struggling on "how to make money, without losing freedom and ethics in capitalism". i sometimes watch jellyfin.

# 2022.12.26 Monday am 00:27

I made a video about threads, the guy I was teaching linux turned out to be a girl. I asked Yashi to meet, I had a talk with Rahul (rastogi). I watched 20 min or movie name "Nobody's Daughter Haewon". Today, it was christmas. So I decided to go to mall with akash. Too crowded, Akash met some of his friends. Also I was thinking today "how indians blame british for taking away our money, but still okay taking part in capitalist ideas."

# 2022.12.24 Saturday am 04:30

yesterday, I went to himanshu house with akash. and I took some bareilly crowed area pics at night I wasted lot of time. I started teaching a person linux. that person is 18 y/o and like any other 18 y/o, weird mess. i am almost finish daemon slayer s02 today. i'm willing to learn linux kernel module programming, yesterday, I showed my face to my student. i recorded our session.

# 2022.12.22 Thursday am 02:58

that USA guy, he found another client, something happened. deal is gone, so does the work i did. that linked in guy is responding slow, looks like, he is less interested. to be fair, even I am showing less interest. idk why? why i am wasting so much time. i spend entire night editing one il mare movie edit. and then Distrotube started a rap battle, brodie called me out. i did raping and posted a video. it went well, but i wasted so much time today. did nothing. except gym. my face is better now the derm meds are working. may be soon, I can post my pictures on this site. may be i will get less ugly. right now, i'm not thinking about career, but i got few text from a girl and his friend on insta and after all this rap thing, i really want to keep going i want people to know me. now i started disliking anonymity, i have achieved in past some years.