Suraj Kushwah


Midnight Crisis

2022-08-15

Current time - 3:00AM

I am writing this on internet, because I guess, I ran out of options, But right now, It seems like, I don't care. Why should I care? But don't worry, I am in my full control. This blog was meant to document my life, which stay even after I die.

Looks like I am not doing it correctly. Let me change it tonight.

Let me give my cute blog, the respect it deserve.

I want to share something very personal. A feeling which I am tired of getting, I am getting this for more than 5-6 years now. Not everynight but sometimes.

In 2016, I used be a normal kid, A completely normal kid. I had friends, I used to do fun, lots of cringe stuff. But then I found my passion and it killed me.

Since then, I don't remember, when I went to sleep at 10, like a normal person. The people I used to love and wanted to stay with, washed away slowly, I didn't even noticed. I changed as a person day by day. (or should I say night by night) But I have huge respect for nights. Nights helped me focus. I couldn't imagine learning or doing anything in daytime. I only enjoy using computers at night.

It's peaceful, helps me focus. Can't really concentrate in day. I never get it why some people make a huge deal of - me working in night?

I once wrote, if I ever imagine my life, I couldn't imagine it, without me sitting in front of a stupid screen in a dark room. Many good things happen because of computers. I now earn good money, I love diving into tech related stuff. I like discussing tech with people, all of it.

But this is a bubble. No matter how much I enjoy this bubble, but truth is I got disconnected with reality. My alienation with people around me is sickening for me, I find hard to make friend. I don't fit in, I went on trips, I did so many things, But making new friends isn't possible and I am talking about real friends, not online or fake people.

Every person live a life, inside a bubble, only few people exist in their bubble. You can't just walk into someone's life casually. You first have to understand that person, I tried very hard, to understand - every soul of my "potential friend". But I still fail to connect.

Isolation isn't cool, it's sickening. I can avoid it for sure, by moving into my bubble. Playing games all day, learning something, binge watching animes. But I want real life now.

I am not fully anonymous, but I get terrified with the feeling of being totally anonymous. I enjoy making jokes, But I don't know how to do comedy in front of no one. A lot happened and changed in personal life too. Things, I never imagine can happen, happened. I am not even going to mention it, blog isn't this much personal.

I am not saying it, doesn't mean it's nothing. It's a lot. I never discussed my personal life with anyone. I never had that kind of friends. I tried using instagram, it sucks. Deleted the app. Account is still on for some reasons. I thought with instagram, I can be normal. Fuck no.

Instagram started showing me more depressing content, I mean WTF these algorithms, I told you, using AI for content filteration isn't a good idea, it doesn't see difference between, nora fateh hip twearking, hate speech or suicidial thoughts.

But personally even after mindlessly scrolling 1000 reels, I got no impact, I just got little angry people trying to claim they are depress by sharing some stupid reel. If they are depress, they deserve it. Because of those people, I feel cringe writing all this. Feeling is hard to share with words anyway.

You know what I hate about nights, when my brain suddenly got disconnected with computer screen and I notice, I am alone sitting in a dark room, just like every night and no one can see me, listen me. Even if I want to get out, I can't, it's night. If I want to call someone, I can't. Cause everyone is sleeping, I get this weird feeling of being caged. I feel so desparate, I just want night to get end fast.

No sleep, isn't an option. Insomia is a bitch, I have felt it, it's real. Will you believe, If I tell you, I spend night without sleep and without sleeping in daytime. I still went to sleep late next night.

I don't sleep little (8 hour), I sleep all at once. Does this make sense?

Whatever, it's not about sleep. it's about a life without events. A life without anything. Seriously, I lost interest in everything, it looks like, all I can talk about is just few things inside my bubble. I am miles away from any materialistic lust, even money doesn't give me pump, either it's too less or I am getting out of another giant bubble. All I want is people, humans, real people. People who are not assholes, people who are true, not instagram or other social media psychos. But someone who live in real world.

I learned this little late in life, but people are important, more than anything. You might don't notice it, you might miss it. Because you are too busy, but trust me. Try noticing it ASAP. Trust me when you die, you just want to see faces of people who matter.

All I can do is hope, everything I am doing today somehow, help me build a nice future. Future which is not lonely. May be this require marriage, kids or something.